We talk a lot about the struggles of single parenthood.
And yes, sometimes one parent really is carrying most of the load.
But if both parents are alive, there is still a parenting relationship.
It may be complicated.
It may be unequal.
It may be painful.
One parent may be absent. One may be disengaged. One may feel pushed away. One may do far more than the other.
But there are still two parents.
And here’s the part we don’t talk about enough:
When one parent doesn’t show up, the child often steps up.
Not because anyone asked them to.
Because children are remarkably perceptive.
They notice when Mum is struggling.
They notice when Dad is hurting.
They notice who isn’t around.
They notice who is carrying everything.
And they respond.
They comfort.
They protect.
They become the responsible one.
The peacemaker.
The helper.
The one who looks after everyone else.
It can look like maturity.
It can even feel like something to be proud of.
But sometimes it’s a child quietly stepping into a role that was never theirs to carry.
That’s where Co-PAIRenting matters.
It’s not about 50/50.
It’s not about agreeing.
It’s not about liking the other parent.
It’s about Parents Aligned In Respect.
Respecting the child’s role as a child.
Respecting the other parent’s role as a parent, even when they aren’t showing up in the way you would like.
And taking responsibility for your own role.
Because the parent who isn’t showing up has responsibility for that.
The parent who is overcompensating has responsibility for that.
The parent who feels pushed away has responsibility for what they choose to do with that REALity.
And the child?
The child gets to be the child.
Imagine a child instinctively comforting a distressed parent.
Instead of allowing that child to become the comforter, a parent could say:
“I see what you’re doing. That’s such a loving instinct. But this isn’t your job. I’m the parent. I’ve got this.”
What a message that gives a child.
You don’t have to fix this.
You don’t have to protect me.
You don’t have to carry my emotions.
I’ve got you.
That’s Co-PAIRenting.
Because sometimes the most important thing a parent can do isn’t to do more.
It’s to recognise who is carrying what.
And make sure the child isn’t carrying what belongs to the adults.
Children don’t need perfect parents.
They need parents who are willing to take responsibility for their own role.
Because when the adults step up, the child doesn’t have to.
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