Most of the times, I encounter people who are besides themselves with the lies they have come to discover about their partner and subsequently their relationship.
They are facing and processing information which almost makes no sense and reveals traits about the person they thought they knew, that were never imagined.
With lies we frequently think about it in terms of one person deceiving another, but the most devastating moments are when you realise that you were actually lying to yourself.
This is where it becomes interesting. Exploring how we lie to ourself can help make sense of events and situations. When we are deceived, we very quickly blame someone or something else for the deceit. It makes sense, or so we think.
What if instead, we start looking at it as a result of our own choices. Sure, I hear you say: I didn’t choose for my partner to cheat on me. But your choice, actually, can go way back in time. You chose “THAT” partner based on who you were at the time. So what did that partner bring into your life that you fell for? I encourage people to realise that the signs which would eventually contribute to a relationship breakup were there from the very beginning. You just chose to ignore them because better things were being offered which were satisfying your needs at the time.
I have raised this before, we cannot control people and situations, we can only control ourselves.
Right now, the discovery of the lie is leaving you hurt and angry but processing your anger at something you have no control over, will not resolve your anger. It may over time wear off, but the slightest trigger will ignite it again and you will again feel very angry. Instead, since you now know that you only have control over yourself, clarifying the real lie is of utmost importance. What if the lies you discovered are nothing in comparison to the lies you told yourself.
Start by asking yourself:
- What purpose did lying to yourself had?
- What did you fear from avoiding the truth?
- The word LOVE is used in more lies than any other.
- What does it mean to you?
- Did it match the meaning you had of it?
- What truth could you not handle?
- What are you trying to convince yourself of?
- What is the underlying emotional benefit that you got from being with your partner specifically?
Lying to yourself may seem harmless at first, but you’ll soon find yourself trapped and entangled in a life which fails to reflect what it is that you really want and does not satisfy your needs.
While it is hard to face the lies that your partner has been telling you, it is even harder to acknowledge the lies you have been telling yourself. So isn’t it time to tell yourself a well deserved truth?