How do we tell the kids?
The end of a relationship is never easy. Telling your children that their parents are no longer going to live together and that their family, as they know it, is going to change, is probably one of the hardest conversations a parent will ever have.
More and more, divorcing parents are recognising the importance of thinking about how they will tell their children, rather than simply announcing the news. In doing so, they are putting their children’s needs first.
They understand that their divorce is not their children’s divorce.
Parents will have their own emotions to work through, and there will be anger, sadness, fear, confusion and uncertainty. But learning to manage those emotions — especially around the children — is one of the most important things parents can do to protect their children from being caught in the middle.
So, how do we tell the kids?
For many parents, deciding to divorce comes with a huge amount of doubt. Even when separating feels like the right decision for the adults, the question “But is this right for the children?” can be one that follows them for a long time.
There is no magic formula for telling your children. But if possible, telling them together, calmly and thoughtfully, is a good place to start.
Yes, it is going to rock their world. Their family life is changing, and children need to be allowed to acknowledge that.
What makes the difference is knowing that, even though their parents are no longer going to live together, their parents are still their parents.
They are still loved. They are still cared for. They still belong to both parents. And they do not have to choose between them.
Basic common sense goes a long way:
Be patient.
Reassure them.
Be honest, in an age-appropriate way.
Listen. Listen. Listen.
And perhaps most importantly, don’t try to fix their hurt, sadness or anger.
Your children do not need you to make their feelings disappear. They need you to make it safe for them to have those feelings.
They may be sad one day, angry the next, perfectly happy the day after that — and sometimes all three within the same hour!
Give them permission to experience their emotions without making them responsible for yours. Over time, they will learn to cope with their family’s new circumstances.
Put yourself in their shoes
There are, of course, many things to consider when parents separate. But before worrying about the practical arrangements, take a moment to see the situation through your children’s eyes.
You know your children better than anyone else.
Ask yourselves:
What do my children need from me right now?
And perhaps even more importantly:
What do they need me to avoid?
Would they cope better if you:
- Spoke badly about the other parent or criticised them in front of the children?
- Argued or fought where they could hear or see it?
- Asked them to carry messages between the two of you?
- Made them feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent?
- Acted jealous or hurt when they run to the other parent for a hug?
- Expected them to manage or comfort you when you are struggling emotionally?
- Suggested they need therapy simply because you are finding their emotions difficult to deal with?
Or would they cope better if they could simply be children, knowing that both parents are there for them?
There will be plenty of time to work out the practicalities; where they will live, when they will see each parent, how expenses will be shared and what the Parenting Plan will look like.
Those things matter.
But perhaps the most important plan you can make is not the Parenting Plan.
It is a plan to be the parents your children need.
Your relationship may be ending.
Your role as their parents is not.
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