• Pointing Finger

    Many people that I meet for counselling or mediation have a finger to point at the other party. I like to begin with establishing that no one is ever blameless. Sure, some people are downright wrong and even bad, but that doesn’t mean that the other person is blameless. Finger Pointing is defined as casting blame or assigning the blame for something to someone else. If a person feels they are the victim of someone else’s behaviour, pointing the finger at that person will not provide a sustainable solution. If you look at the other person, or situation, with a sense of right and wrong according to your value system and perception,…

  • Moving On

    All I hear from people going through a divorce is how they want to move on, yet, so many have been battling their divorce for an ongoing 2, 3, 4, and even 5 years. The conflict they are experiencing is sinking them further in a position that feels more like being a hostage to their divorce than a battle to just get a better agreement. The anger that has settled between two people who once shared a life together is so intense, that the wish to move on has been replaced by a wish to destroy the other person. By the time people have been back and forth in court…

  • What is Choice Theory?

    By William Glasser, M.D. Choice theory is a new psychology developed by Dr. William Glasser when he realized that all his psychiatric work was based on people choosing what they do so he decided to call what he practices choice theory. By learning to put choice theory to work in your life, you can improve your relationships with all the people who are important to you. You can also teach choice theory to someone else who then can use it to improve his or her important relationships. Since we are social beings, the need for satisfying relationships is encoded into our genetic structure. The more our genes are satisfied, the…

  • Adjustments

    I recently met a young couple on their honeymoon and who also were 3 months pregnant. Having had 2 children myself, my first comment, after congratulating them of course, was: “And how are you doing?” What followed were giggles and sighs in reporting morning sickness, nausea, not able to do wine tasting, and needing a lot of naps! Something that was not planned when going on an extensive trip in Southern Africa for your honeymoon. The future dad went on to add: We have learned to make adjustments. – And this is the one word which actually defines what life with a child is about. “Learning to make adjustments”. Becoming…

  • #MeToo

    In light of the Harvey Weinstein scandal, the #MeToo movement started by Alyssa Milano has opened the door to many women to come forth with their tragic abuse experiences, which, for a long time, they felt they had no choice but to keep quiet about it. Ellen Degeneres said: “This is not a male thing or a female thing. It is not a Hollywood thing or a political thing. This is a human thing. And it happens in the workplace, it happens in families, it happens all over the world, and we are all the same. We all want the same thing—we want respect and love and kindness.”  In my…

  • Quick, quick … Now, now.

    For most people I meet, who are experiencing the ending of a relationship, they want a quick divorce, a quick fix to move on, an instant result to be able to turn the next chapter of their life. While staying stuck in anger and ongoing battles over a period of life which is no longer, is not the solution, providing a quick fix is mostly unrealistic. People need to realise that their outer problems reflect information about their inner issues. Wanting things to be quick is not a problem, but speed is really just an illusion. If you rush through things, you will miss many moments which only, later, will…

  • My kids are really mature!

    I hear many separating parents claim how mature their children are during their separation. But think of it carefully. What would prompt you to acknowledge this? If a separation is handled in a mature way, with both parents paying extra attention that whatever disagreement they may have does not involve the children. That their children remain carefree and able to enjoy their childhood the way they are supposed to. That they are free to love and be loved by both their parents, and, apart from adjusting to two homes, their childhood is being protected and nurtured by their parents, and their needs are being made a priority, then children are…

  • Mediation vs Litigation

    Many people ask me what exactly is Mediation and why is it better? “Mediation is a voluntary process that can help two sides to reach an acceptable solution to their differences. A mediator can help the parties to examine ideas and options in a neutral, safe environment where they are both free to express their opinions.” While the process is effective, it is important to consider the “voluntary” part. Many unfortunately do not choose Mediation over Litigation, not because they do not believe in the process, but because it is voluntary! Yes, unfortunately, it is sad times when being required to take responsibility to discuss ideas and reach acceptable solutions…

  • Your children need you

    A divorce/separation remains one of the most traumatic life event with parents finding themselves at wits ends over their never-ending conflicts, expensive lawyers bills and court appearances, all in the name of what is in the best interest of the children. What started off as 2 people starting a family with not too much thought about their future, apart from it being bright and happy, are now living a present hell and creating a future in which their children will grow up with no happy childhood memories (the competition of expensive presents and outrageous outings do not count), not being given the permission to love and be loved by their…

  • The Right Choice or the Easy Choice

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